Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
