Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am midnight drunk by noon
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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