i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
