Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
