My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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