My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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