I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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