Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
