just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
