I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
