i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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