my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
