I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
