OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
