Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
