Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
