I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
