I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
