Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
