I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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