oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
