I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I pour the whiskey from now on
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
