so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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