ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
