Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
