it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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