Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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