I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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