So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
