Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
