You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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