I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
