I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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