Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
