At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
