last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
