I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
