I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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