Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
3pm strippers are depressing
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
