when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
