Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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