I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
