that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
MIDGETS
????
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
