I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
