My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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