Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
