It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
