I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
