I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
