I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
