The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
