i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Farmville is her only friend.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
